I’ve found that as I’ve written, the experiences, heartache, and feelings that I’ve been able to put into words here are sort of crossed off of my mental to-do list. So, in a feeble attempt to get this grieving brain to rest a little, here are a few more questions and answers.
Do we have a name?
We do, and we are in love with our sweet girl and her precious name. Maggie Louise Sedgwick. The girls had a hand in helping us choose - it’s a beautiful, heartbreaking story I’m still working through to post.
What do we need?
We are so fortunate to have a great support group both locally and beyond. I’m very behind on returning messages and writing thank you notes. We sincerely appreciate your prayers. At this point, that’s all we need.
I sure wouldn’t mind if you wanted to do something kind for someone else in Maggie’s honor. Through all this grief, we are very much reminded how much an extra smile, message, hug or act of service can brighten a dreary day.
Do we pray for a miracle?
Absolutely. We wholeheartedly believe that our Heavenly Father is beyond capable of healing our sweet girl, of making her body whole again, of wiping away our tears and doing what science says isn’t possible. Until her final breath or final heartbeat, we won’t stop praying for those miracles. Our God is certainly big enough and capable enough; we have seen His hand in our lives countless times before, and we trust Him.
I also think that God has been merciful and gracious to us through some of the news we’ve received; we’ve been given clear answers from our doctors and haven’t been left waiting and wondering in several respects. Our sweet baby’s earthly prognosis is clear, and in a strange way, I am very thankful for that clarity.
We also believe that in so many ways, God is already working miracles in this situation. Little miracles, like an unexpectedly short wait time for an appointment, my parents being in town shortly after we got the news, a friend that can help me process medical reports, and so many other things. We feel the prayers of our friends and family, and we experience tangible examples of their love for us each day.
This doesn’t mean we don’t hurt and have doubts and feel desperate and angry. But we pray that God will continue to hold us close in our grief. God has a plan for us and for our family, and if I had it to choose, I would not haven chosen this plan. I would have taken another path with a healthy baby and none of this grief. But I trust that someday, somehow, He will work all things together for our good and His glory, and someday, we will spend eternity with our sweet Maggie girl.
What’s next?
We have our next appointment tomorrow, and we’ll check on both Maggie and me. I’m praying for a strong, steady heartbeat and no signs of distress for either of us. I still check my pregnancy app each morning, counting the days we’ve made it, praying for more.
A friend found a counselor for me, and I’ll meet with her for the first time tomorrow. Last week, I also met with a mother who went through similar circumstances years ago, and that was incredibly helpful. I was able to ask her questions I haven’t wanted to ask, several times without having to finish my sentence, and she cried with me and prayed with me. I could go on and on about the way her family ministered to us that day.
What else do we know?
Following our last appointment, we received some information from the geneticist that included a diagnosis of Trisomy 18 ( an extra 18th chromosome). I wish I understood enough to explain it, but I just don’t. I’m learning lots of things I never wanted to know. Trisomy 18 doesn’t change the prognosis, but will help us understand, through our doctors, more about what’s going on for Maggie and me.
Sweet Maggie girl, my love for you cannot be put into words. C talks to you daily, and E might fill up our house with all the art projects and presents she’s making for you. You are loved and loved and loved. And loved and loved. Keep fighting, precious girl. It is an honor to be your mama. I will love you forever.
“My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all my days were written in Your book and ordained for me before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:15-16